Is criticism listening? It’s kind of a trick question.
On the one hand, someone who chooses to criticize can care. They can genuinely be trying to fix a situation. They can have good motives.
On the other, criticism impacts the brain and heart. Too much criticism has the potential to make a person feel unsupported, under valued, doubtful, and insecure.
But criticism, when it is done in a balanced way, with safety, with support, with gentleness and care, can help a person feel seen and heard while at the same time supported for growth.
Think of it this way: What would happen if someone gave you a long list of ten or fifteen things to fix? What if with that list came no encouraging words or consideration of you? How would that make you feel?
I don’t know about you, but I would be ok with the list. But I would also wonder about the motivation behind the list. I would be uncertain if the person really cares about me or is using me to get things done.
But what if instead you received a list of ten things that they loved about you and one thing to work on? Would that make you feel better?
I know that this would definitely help me. I would know that I am the priority and it would motivate me to do that one thing. In fact, I think I would ask if there was anything more I could do for them. 😉
As Alan Alda says, “Listening is when we are changed by the other person.”
The point is that criticism can come from a caring place. But to really hear and see a person, to really care about someone, it is so important that the person be the priority. That the focus be on the person and not what they can do or not do.
By the way, if you really do have something that you want to talk with a person about, something that could be taken as a criticism, there is something that you can do to keep the person number one: ask their permission to speak into their life.
If they say yes, then they have agreed to hear you out. Most people when asked feel seen and heard and listened to. If they say no, then it is important to honour their request and not say anything. Be kind.
So criticism can be listening if the other person is honoured and cared for, if they give permission. But if the person is not kept the priority, criticism is less than supportive.
What do you think?